I’ve been wanting to share so much with you. I’ve been thinking long and hard about things that could probably, possibly, conceivably happen in both our near and distant future together. I want to help you prepare for them. I know that if we can anticipate everything that’s going to go wrong, then together we can develop plans, backup plans, and make sure we’ve covered every possible contingency.
You see, I want to protect you from any harm – at any cost. I know how much you’ve been hurt in the past and I want to protect you from everything the future may have in store. I just want to put you in a bubble and keep you safe, just the two of us, with me holding you tightly.
I want you to know that I have your back…and I will release it just as soon as this stress subsides. I’ve prepared a long list of things that need to happen, knowing that you’ll feel much better right after they do. I’m not sure why this list keeps growing, but rest assured (er, I mean, know that) – you’ll breathe easier (and deeper) once we get through this (oh, and that…).
I don’t want you to listen to your gut. No, I don’t mean the sounds of your chronic indigestion, acid reflux and ulcers, I mean that bad advice your therapist is giving about trusting your intuition. What does she know about all the things that could happen? Listen to me. I have your best interest at heart and will protect you from the unfamiliar.
Oh! And speaking of (rapidly beating) hearts. Please cut down on the caffeine and the tread mill. I know you’re tired and want to be healthy, but the increased pulse rate really makes me very nervous. I can’t help but flare up. I think we’d both be much happier if you just have a few glasses of wine to relax in the evenings.
I know you’re struggling with your memory these days but please remember that people are not to be trusted. I will remind you endlessly of what happened when you did in the past. I will regale you with tales of your childhood and how disappointing everything always was whenever you weren’t in charge.
I want you to feel like you’re in control of everything. Your plans are the best ones. Your way of doing things is so much better than anyone else’s and the outcomes you seek will be attained if we just get everyone on the same (your) page.
And speaking of pages; I’ve been monitoring your Facebook. I’m a little concerned about some of the folks you haven’t heard from recently. I’m thinking that we may have upset them at some point. It’s the only reason I can think of as to why they’re not posting on your wall. I’ve selected a huge number of memes (with kittens!) for you to post on their walls to let them know how wonderful your friendship with them is. I know these are just women you know from PTO, work, and little league but it’s important to keep things going smoothly!
Facebook friends are the best kind. Who has time for any other type? If we don’t allow anyone to get too close to us then we’ll be ok. I’ll keep you very busy and we’ll have a very nice and organized house together. We’ll make lists together daily and make sure that things are right where they’re supposed to be!
I also wanted to let you know I’m on top of plans for your daughter’s birthday. I want it to be nothing short of PERFECT. I mean last year was great but I really think that with a few extra touches this year could be truly memorable. Getting a bounce house and a caterer is a small expense for a five year old’s happiness. I’ll come up with ways to talk that unreasonable husband of yours into it.
Oh! And speaking of that man of yours; I’ve been paying a little extra attention to that wandering eye of his. He’s been especially helpful to that new neighbor (the one with the really perky boobs). I hate her and am working on strategies to alienate her from the rest of the women in the neighborhood.
I don’t want you to worry…but I do want you to know that while you are beautiful to me, I am a little concerned about some of these lines I’m noticing across your forehead and under your eyes. I’ve been hearing these radio ads for that cosmetic surgeon in town and I’ve prepared a list of things to discuss with them. It’s ok – they have easy financing available! I just want you to look your best J
I love you and will never let you go,