Because I’m Scared

I love it when people are brave enough to talk about their fears. They’re what undermine us the most and what we talk about the least.

As I write this, I’m supposed to be working on a pretty major project. I’m procrastinating, which is really out of character for me. It rarely happens. It’s cuz I’m scared, which happens all the time.

I only have two fears: failure and success. The funny thing is – I take a lot of risks but I rarely fail. It’s hard to talk about the fear of success People look at you funny.

I’m listening to 21 Pilots on Youtube (check them out and thank me later) while playing poker online while chatting with my wife and half ignoring/half watching whatever the hell is on my tv and sneaking pretzels to the dog.

I’ve checked my email seven times today I’ve chatted, messaged, texted and called friends I’ve gotten take out and run errands Now there’s nothing left to do but tackle the project

Or, you know…write a blog about not doing it.

I find my plate full of amazing things and every damned one of them is a work in progress. Just like me. A hundred moving parts connections are like puzzle pieces I know we all fit together I’m just not sure how.

Faith. Trust. Leap. Don’t worry about the landing.

I know I don’t want control But my fear screams for it. I don’t. I know I don’t. So I tell the Universe how big my fears are. And the Universe reminds me that It is much bigger than my fears. Stop. Breath deeply. Receive grace.

There should be a take away to this blog so here it is:

Years ago I made a deal with my amazing wife (she really is the best thing ever) I told her that there are times when I need lots of reassurance. Sometimes I’ll want to explain why I’m a mess and other times I won’t know or won’t want to explain So I asked if at times like these if she could just give me a hug and tell me it’s (I’m) ok.

Amazingly she was very agreeable to this (Muster the vulnerability to ask for what you need). What’s incredible is that she really believes it’s all going to be good I can wrap my head around her believing in us but sometimes I marvel at her ability to believe in me.

My wife is a pragmatist. She points out absurdly obvious things that I overlook Like that when I fail, I get up and do it again until it’s right.

I have lots of faith In God, in the people in my life and in what we’re doing together and I find that the more I put my fears out there the less they limit me.

Most everything that makes me feel alive also scares me. So I accept this and life just keeps getting better.

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